I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
