i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
