So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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