I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
