the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
