I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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