you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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