At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I cannot find my penis.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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