Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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