Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
