hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
