Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
