Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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