oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I need to align my fucking chakras
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
