I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you win again, gameday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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