I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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