Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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