i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
