I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
