Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
