my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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