If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
