When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
