I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
