Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
