The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
