believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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