Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
