a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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