so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
