Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
