I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
