i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
