2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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