So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
