Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
