I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
