you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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