I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
