I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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