There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
