I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
