I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My vagina is officially offended.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
