Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
