My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
