you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
