you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
