I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
