You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
