Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
