Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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