I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
