never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
