I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
