yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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