I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
