I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
