My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
