Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
